My Resignation

It has been over a month since my last post. What have I been doing, you may or not be asking? The answer is, I have been thinking and contemplating. I have been arguing with myself and my husband. I have been jealous, angry, and depressed. I have watched as blogger after blogger I follow have had their BFP. I am so very happy for you all, but I’m not cut out for this. The doctor my husband works with recently told him that she was pregnant. Within 48 hours of this news, she had a miscarriage. My jealousy and anger over the announcement did not turn to sadness for her. Despite her being a friend, I felt like it was her fault for getting pregnant by someone she has only been dating 3 months. Looking back, I feel like a monster.

After careful consideration, I have decided to discontinue all infertility treatments. I don’t like the person that I have become throughout this whole process.  I am not healthy enough for this emotional roller coaster and I feel like I probably never will be. I have spent Saturdays and bed crying under the covers for something that I can’t change. Only God can change my situation, and I believe that if it’s meant to be, it will happen naturally.

My husband has been supportive through all of the treatments.  I know he is not as invested in having a baby as I am, which has made this decision even easier. We have talked about it briefly.  He has thrown his full support behind me, which has forced me to really think everything through since I am making a decision for both of us.

I made this final while sitting at a restaurant with my brother and sister in-law and my cute little nephew. I watched as they struggled to eat dinner without the interruption of the baby and entertain him as they tried to eat. My SIL talked about how she has only sat in the passenger seat once since giving birth. I am not cut out for this life. I am a bit OCD and like routine. I don’t believe that this will ever change. This epiphany then made me examine why I have been trying so hard to have a baby for the past 6 years. This is what I discovered; all of my reasons are either selfish or for other people.

I am worried about who will take care of me and my husband when I am old.  I don’t want to let down my parents and deny them the opportunity to be grandparents.  I have forgotten that I need to take care of myself and not worry about others.

As I write this, I have started eating healthier.  I have been exercising.  I have lost all of the weight I gained during the last round of treatments.  I am finally taking care of me.  I am happy and calm about my decision.  It may take some time to completely let go, but I am bound and determined to move beyond these past 6 years and live my life to the fullest.  I will travel and enjoy every moment with my husband.  One day, God may surprise me, but until then, I will live ice one day at a time.

 

Another Lovely Day Ruined

After my last entry, I planned to wait to test until Monday.  Yesterday I went and visited my nephew, who, I must say, is just about the cutest baby on earth (I’d post his pic, but I’m not sure my SIL would approve).  He is almost 7 months old now and is so interactive now and just so much fun to be around.  Yesterday was a great day.

Then last night I started coming down with a cold.  My throat was sore, this morning I was congested.  I wanted to stay home from church, but I got up, got dressed and went.  I was trying to forget all of this ttc stuff and push the idea of testing out of my head and focus on praising God.  I was able to keep my head in the game for a bit, but then my mind started to wander.  I was watching the couple in front of us and for the past few weeks, I have noticed that she has put on some weight and I have suspected that she may be pregnant.  At the end of the service, my suspicions were confirmed when everyone started coming up to her and her husband saying how they had heard the news and to “take it easy, mama.”  My heart stopped beating at that moment and my flight instincts took over.  I wanted to leave immediately.  I could feel the tears welling up so I just looked straight forward while we stood in line to greet the priest.  I don’t think my husband quite understood what was happening because he just kept telling me to smile and tried to say things to make me laugh.  I held it together long enough to say hi to the priest and some other people we haven’t seen in a long time.  I finally excused myself and left church because my husband had a meeting.  I bawled the entire way home.

After that, I decided that my day is already ruined so I may as well test.  I know, I know.  It’s not my first daily urine, but I really don’t care at this point.  I knew it was negative even before I peed on the stick.  I swear, it was also the darkest negative I have ever seen.  I’m really at a loss right now.  Is there a benefit to doing the IUI every month or is it okay for me to skip months.  Should I talk to the doctor about trying to change things, and should I just give up?  Although I know that I will have a hole in my heart, part of me really wonders if it is time to give up and look into adoption or just forget about it all together.  My husband is not helpful.  He tells me that whatever I want to  do is fine with him.  I can’t keep making all of the decisions.  I’m exhausted.

Decisions, Decisions

Today I am 11dpiui.  I am torn over when to test.  My doctor did not give me a lab slip for a beta so I am responsible for testing at home.  I don’t like this concept.  Sure, I want to know, but I don’t want to ruin my weekend.  We are supposed to go to visit my sister in-law and adorable 6-month old nephew tomorrow.  I know if I test tomorrow I will be useless.   If I test on Sunday, I will not be able to make it through church without tearing up.  If I wait until Monday, I’ll just be crabby all day at work.  I hate that I am being so pessimistic.   Last weekend I thought I had all kinds of symptoms; achey breasts, creamy CM, and fatigue.  Then Tuesday I had cramps on and off all day and nothing else all week.  I have been tired, but I am just chalking it up to a stressful week at work.

Once I finally do decide to test or if AF begins before I get up the guts, we need to decide whether to move forward with another round of IUI, our third.  I keep reading that after three the chances decrease drastically so then we have to decide whether IVF is something we want to get into right now.  The other big decision we will follow my doctor to his new practice.  We both received letters yesterday that my doctor is opening a practice effective July 15th.  They even provided the office phone number.  I like him, but do I like him enough to attempt to get my records transferred and basically start over again.  I’m also concerned about the new office hours since my current office has accommodated my work schedule so well.  On the plus side, the new office would be less than 3 miles from my house.

For now, all I can do is just sleep on it and hope that AF doesn’t come.

The Return of Righty

Friday the thirteenth was not such a bad day. This morning I met with one of the REs at the practice for my post-Femara ultrasound. There were several surprises.
First, the active ovary this month was righty. It has been month since we’ve seen any activity there. I was ready to have righty plucked out due to all of the problematic cysts He’s handover the past few years.
Secondly, righty was hiding three hopeful follicles! The three measured at 20, 19, and 17. The doctor is hoping that they’ll develop about more over the next few days. Although I rarely see this doctor, he was very excited about the effectiveness of the Femara.
Finally, lefty went missing. I have never liked this doctor because I feel like the thinks the ultrasound wand is a light saber and he likes to just swing it around wildly while inside of me. I have honestly been in pain after his previous ultrasounds. This time he had to dig around looking for lefty. Lefty was found hiding behind my uterus. No activity to speak of there.
My IUI is scheduled for Monday at 10:15. G has to go in at 8:00. I know he doesn’t want to go because he asked if he could just take a sample in. That was never really provided as an option. If there is a next time, I’ll ask about it. I am concerned about the quality. I am sure we would have more viable sperm if it’s fresh. We both took the day off on Monday so I can spend the day relaxing and watching the World Cup.

Thirty-three days of fasting

Today begins the Apostle’s fast in the Orthodox religion. What this means for me is no dairy or meat for 33 days. I’ve been Orthodox 8 years now and have never been able to fast an entire fast. The longest I ever fast was around the time of my miscarriage and after that, I’ve barely even tried. This time I am committed to the fast and I will make it until July 12th.
That being said, I am trying my best to find healthy recipes and try to limit the carbs because that’s a major problem with these fasts; all I want to eat is pasta and rice. I’m not a big fan of fish, but I’ll try. My big concern is the amount of mercury if I eat more fish and having my IUI this cycle.
G and I managed to complete a huge undertaking this weekend, which makes me happy and I de-cluttered the office Friday. We were so productive, which is highly unusual for us. I actually left work on Friday and wanted to de-clutter. It was like nesting for the infertile. It has helped to take my mind off of the treatments and all of the stress at work. The biggest stressor right now is planning around possible IUI procedures. I have meetings scheduled in advance and I hate rescheduling. What I need to do is not worry about it, but that’s just not part of my nature.

All Clear

It’s CD 3 and I had my baseline ultrasound this morning.  Instead of my RE or the NP, the nurse did my ultrasound.  She was excellent and allowed me to watch the ultrasound and showed me the lining of my uterus and all of the little follies in both ovaries.  There were no cysts on either ovary, which makes all of the cramps and spotting during my last cycle, from the BCP, completely worth it.  This cycle I will be doing cycle 2 of IUI.  I will be taking Femara for 8 days between CDs 3-10.  I took the first dose this evening with my dinner.

My next ultrasound is scheduled for June 13th, with the RE I have not had very good experiences working with.  He is rough when he does the ultrasounds, which I am not looking forward to at all.  Normally I would have asked for someone else, but it was the first appointment of the morning and will not interfere with work too much.  I’d like to take the day off afterward, but I have already used too much sick leave and only get paid 70% for the sick leave.  I also know that I will probably call in sick the day of my next IUI.

Work was stressful today and I dealing with a heavy AF.  Once my 9:00 appointment is over tomorrow, I will be so relieved.  I’m hoping after that I can relax a bit until my IUI.  I’ve already decided that I am going to take it easy next week.  Next week will also be the beginning of the Apostle’s fast.  During this fast we are basically vegans who eat fish.  I have not successfully survived a fast and would really like to do so.  It will run from June 9th until July 12th.  I have two reasons for wanting to participate in the fast.  First, I am hoping it will help me to make healthier food choices and become a bit healthier and secondly, I would like to grow in my faith.  I need both of these things in my life right now and I whole-heartedly believe that this fast could have a very positive effect on all aspects of my life.

Much Needed Dinner Date

Last night I had the opportunity to go out for dinner with one of my favorite people. She is charismatic and just the most supportive person I know. We hardly ever get to see each other though due to our busy lives.
During our time together, my friend shared with me that, she too, has been going through fertility treatments. The last time we talked, she and her husband had been trying about six months. She has completed two rounds of Clomid and is having a laparoscopy next week. She too has PCOS. Two of her sisters have unexplained infertility so she is a strong believer that infertility is genetic.
We had a great time talking about all of the stupid comments people make to women ttc and swapped treatment stories. It was so nice just to talk to someone who gets it. I don’t wish infertility on her or anybody else, but it was so nice to just felt understood and to know that I am not alone in my real life, not just my cyber life.
After last night, we vowed to get together more. She is definitely a great friend and cheerleader; something I have needed for a long time. Hopefully we will be able to keep our promise and get together more. I’m just happy to finally have a real life parter in ttc.
Sorry if this is a rambling post. I’m just excited.

Anniversary

Although a very stressful day, it’s also a joyous one.  Today, my husband and I are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary.  We have survived a lot.  During the 13 years we have been together, we worried about him getting into medical school together, spent four years apart while he was in medical school, our first two years of marriage he was a surgical resident and never home.  Then we began ttc.  I had a miscarriage and we’ve now been through four rounds of Clomid, one round of Femara, and an IUI.  He has been there for me through everything, even though he may not know exactly what to say.

Now, seven years of marriage and I feel like we have managed to come through all of this stronger and more in love than ever.  I feel so fortunate to have met him all of those years ago and even more fortunate that he agreed to take me to a Valentine’s Day dance at out college, even though he had his eye on another girl.  Our journey tells me that there is a plan and that everything happens for a reason.  One day I will sit down and write about all of the things that fell into place to create this relationship.  Unfortunately, I am emotionally drained from a very rough day at work so it will have to wait for another post, but then again, I’ll have some time while we are taking the month off from treatments.

Just Another Day

AF started today.  I was ready to go to church and put on my happy face during all of the Mother’s Day festivities and right before we left, BAM!  I just knew it was coming.  I had cramps on Saturday and figured it wasn’t long before she made her appearance.  Needless to say, church was not a pleasant experience.  The priest had the oldest child go up and get a rose to take back to their mother.  I sat there pinching myself to try and stop the tears.  G tried to console me, but that only made the tears start falling harder.

Apparently, prior to giving these instructions, he had mentioned that any married woman is a mother to her husband.  I wish I would have heard that for myself, however he spoke in Arabic, so I had pretty much zoned out at that point.  Afterward, an older gentleman made sure to tell me Happy Mother’s Day as well as a woman who is around my age and just recently got married.  I mentioned to a few of our close friends how much I hate that.  What makes church the hardest on me is that there is a little boy that was born right around the time that I would have had the baby that I miscarried in 2010.

All of the Mother’s Day stuff was just icing on the cake that was this weekend.  Saturday morning I went to go have my beta drawn.  While sitting the lab chair, the gentleman who picks up the specimens for analysis picked up the “stat” samples.  My phlebotomist was too busy worrying about her own blood test to get mine done before he left, which means that I would not know anything until Monday, the day we leave for vacation.  I tossed around the idea of not going, but G thought we should know the results for sure before getting ourselves all down about it.  I should mention that I did a HPT and it was negative on Saturday morning.  The the draw itself was less than stellar.  The phlebotomist scratched me with the needle at some point so now it looks like I have track marks.  Then to top off Saturday, I chipped my front tooth on a glass soda bottle.

Tomorrow…well, I guess it’s today now, I am leaving on vacation.  I plan to drink and do all of the things that I wouldn’t have been able to do if I were pregnant.  I am going to relax and take a month off from all of the drama of ttc.  I am going to take birth control pills to try and prevent any pesky cysts from forming and to try and have a somewhat normal cycle so that we can jump into everything in June.  I guess now I am in a 4ww.

Parents Just Don’t Understand

I have been debating whether to put this out there or not and decided that in order to find peace with it, I will.  Last week, I decided to come out of the infertility closet on Pintrest.  After seeing my posts (which were mostly about what not to say to someone who is infertile),  a girl I used to be best friends with in elementary school sent me a message on Facebook.  Her mother and my mother are still very close and apparently my mother told her mother about our infertility issues.  Here is the message that I received:

“Hi.  I know that we don’t really talk and maybe I’m not supposed to know this, but my mom had told me before that you had tried metformin and unfortunately it didn’t help. And I don’t know if your mom ever told you, but I have PCOS and was told to just try metformin as well. I didn’t do it, but instead I went to Dr. Winer’s office in Greentree to seek help. He’s a chiropractor who, like many chiropractors, believes in modifying diet and taking natural supplements. I don’t want to be another ignorant person trying to tell you what to do, and I don’t know what you’ve tried or not and I read the article that you posted on Pinterest and understand that the last thing that you probably want to hear is anything from a mom. I just wanted to put it out there in case it’s something that you might be interested in. Again, please forgive me-I don’t mean to be someone just dishing out advice or reducing the issue to be something simple. I know that it’s a very sensitive and private topic.”

For some reason, this message made me so mad.  First of all, why did she choose now to contact me when I know our mothers have been talking for years.  Secondly, as someone who claims to have had all of these infertility issues, doesn’t she understand what it’s like when people that have children try to give you advice?  I know she mentions that, but it didn’t stop her from sending the message.  I wanted to write back; You don’t know me and you don’t know what steps I have taken to conceive, so butt out.  I didn’t though.  I wrote, what I thought, was a well composed message back.  I actually had a friend read over it because I wanted to second opinion.

I told her how I stopped the Metformin over a year ago and that, I too go to a doctor that believes in fertility foods and supplements.  I then explained to her that I appreciate the advice, but my husband is a doctor and doesn’t really believe that it is a chiropractor’s place to discuss none orthopedic medical issues.  I was told that I worded it respectfully so I didn’t think this was an issue.  I then told her that I love all of the pictures of her daughter commented on how cute she is.  I finished off the message by telling her how much I appreciate her support and that it’s very valuable.  I never got any kind of response back.

I’ve been thinking about this for almost a week now.  I think this is honestly why I have not discussed receive efforts to conceive with my mother.  I am floored.  I have had other people I know who struggled with infertility and then had a child, or two, or three who have offered to be there are someone to talk to, but no one has ever just said, “this is what I did.”  I don’t need that.  I need someone to silently support me and be there if I have questions.   Reading all of the other blogs and knowing that I am not alone has helped me immensely and I appreciate all of you who have shared your stories and heartache with me and others like us.